How to Fuck Up a Cake

All you’ll need are a few simple ingredients and a promise to yourself that you WILL NOT CRY.

2 Eggs
1 Cup flour
1/4 Cup butter, probably
Definitely sugar in some amount
1/2 Teaspoon vanilla extract
Frosting? (Or do we make it?)

1. In a big mixing bowl*, beat the eggs, sugar, and butter together.
2. Put the other ingredients in the bowl and mix it all together. The texture should be somewhere between smooth and not-so-smooth. Go with your gut– it’s not like baking is a science!
3. Pour mixture into a 6 x 4 cake pan.**
4. We forgot to preheat the oven so hopefully this smooth-not-smooth mixture will hold up for another fifteen minutes while the oven gets to 350.
5. With the mixture in the cake pan, place the pan on the middle rack of the oven and bake for 20 minutes, checking every 5 minutes to affirm what a crafty and fertile pioneer woman you are for making this cake with your own two hands. YOU ARE FUCKING GLOWING. Hopefully you still have some frosting in the cupboard.***

*Drive to the nearest store to purchase a mixing bowl
**Drive back to the store you just purchased the bowl from and buy a cake pan– it’s okay, we’ll make a day of this.
***…Go buy frosting.

And that’s it! Your cake probably didn’t turn out like a cake, but that’s not really what this is about. This is about you. Now, why don’t you put on some comfortable shoes and go meet a nice cat to spend the rest of your life with? You’re clearly never going to satisfy a man.

Til next time.


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